So I read an article about the ‘little voice in your head’, the one that tells you how awesome it is to be pregnant and have babies over and over again.
Well, let’s talk about the not-so-little voice in my head.
KID ASKS FOR A SNACK
Mommy I Try To Be: I should grab him some carrots… maybe cut up some melon and make a cute little plate surrounded with grapes.
Not-So-Little Voice: Fuuuuuuuck that. Chips Ahoy. Grab the bag, hand it to kid. Done.
KID ASKS FOR *MORE* SNACKS
Mommy I Try To Be: See, this is exactly why he never eats dinner. I can’t just let him snack all afternoon.
Not-So-Little Voice: Excuse me over achiever mama, Ellen is on and it’s the first time we’ve sat down all day. Tell Snacky McGee to grab a chocolate pudding cup and play on the Ipad.
KID CAN’T FIND SHOES AND WE’RE RUNNING LATE
Mommy I Try To Be : I have to start preparing the night before! I should just line up some quick, slide-on shoes up by the door so this shit doesn’t keep happening.
Not-So-Little-Voice: Just go barefoot! Maybe we’ll get lucky and you’ll step on glass, scream your head off and be traumatized enough that you’ll never give me shit about putting your damn shoes on again!
Mommy I Try To Be: I really hope you’re not getting sick.
Not-So-Little-Voice: I really hope you’re getting just sick enough to justify Benadryl. Night-night!
Out Loud Mommy Voice: