Things I’ve Learned the Third Time Around

I’m no expert but by number three, it’s sink or swim time as a parent. Here are a few of my tips:

Cookies = quiet. Just accept it.

Shoes should just be left in the car, unless you really enjoy the “put your shoes on NOW” fight.

Don’t ask, tell.
“Do you need to go potty?” F that! Question marks are unnecessary. “Go pee.”

Put appointments on your calendar for random earlier times. Then the day of, you’re all “Shit, was his dentist appointment really at 10 or was it 10:30 and I tried to trick myself?”Winning.

Throw some chicken nuggets in a ziplock before going out to eat. You know every damn time you order the $8.99 chicken finger kids meal, they just suck ketchup off a fry anyway. Put that money to better use- Margarita please!

Buy each kid one of those light up, spinning, annoying woooo-wooooo noise things on clearance at The Disney Store. Take it to every circus, parade, theme park…. I’m done being robbed for that shit.

Set the clock an hour ahead one evening… Don’t tell anyone. Would ya look at that?!? It’s already bedtime AKA Wine-O’clock.

If you enjoyed this, scroll down to click the Facebook like and share buttons! Puh-leeeeeease.

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