You know that feeling when your heart drops to your stomach and your throat closes a little? It ‘s like a gut punch that knocks the wind out of you. I’ve had that for 24 hours.
I kept thinking about an online conversation I had. Yea , I know it’s social media, not “real life” and shouldn’t be taken personally. If someone is on my friends list though, it’s because I consider them a friend in one way or another. It’s personal.
This conversation has been playing on a continuous loop in my mind. A mom friend posted about mom bloggers referring to their kids as A-holes and how she disagreed with it. Being a mommy blogger (even if just a teeny tiny one with less than 200 followers) I felt misunderstood. I had literally just posted about my kids being a-holes when I was on the phone that day. Thus the explanation and defending began. My thoughts were:
I’m not actually calling them a-holes to their face.
It’s said in jest between adults.
What mom doesn’t get frustrated?
My family is from Brooklyn, we smile when we call each other A-holes.
The exchange went on and although it wasn’t a big brawl or anything, feelings were hurt. Fast forward to 3am the next day. I had tossed and turned for hours. Why was this still haunting me?
Then baby wakes with a fever and as I held 19 little pounds of fiery beauty in my arms, it hit me.
I’ve always listened openly to a seasoned mothers input. I don’t think I did that this time. Maybe I got too defensive without really thinking. Looking at those round , red cheeks and rubbing my baby girl’s soft little back, I became overwhelmed with guilt and was in awe that God trusted and blessed me with this little life.
I don’t think she’s an a-hole. Even now at 3am when she’s screaming … or ever. So why even jokingly say it? Maybe I’ve been the assjole (told ya it would come back) or been immature and irresponsible with my words. Maybe I don’t have to follow the trend that it has become acceptable to say. Sure, it makes people laugh when they read about someone else’s a-hole kids. But at what cost?
I’d like to think I’m a fair enough writer to accomplish that relatability without having to refer to these little people who grew in my body, as anything negative. Don’t worry, I’m not going soft. Trust me, I’m not selling out and turning all Stepford Wife. But maybe it’s possible to still be me, to be real but to focus on the behavior which is frustrating, not the character of my kid. I guess I never thought about it long and hard.
I’m never gonna be a straight laced, curse-word-free blogger/mom/person. But when I see newer mothers doing things, I do think to myself, “I wish they could learn from my mistakes.” Now after processing, I applied that to myself.
I’m just getting started in this blog world and my primary goal is to be real, stay true to who I am. One of my favorite bloggers notoriously refers to her kids as A-holes. She’s funny as shit and when you see video of her kids they’re well mannered and respectful. It’s obvious she’s not running around her house literally calling them A-holes. I’m not saying I’m better, just saying that’s her voice she has found. I’m going to find my own.
This may be my most vulnerable post thus far. Releasing your feelings into the world to be judged and scrutinized is tough sometimes, so if there is any part of this that you like take the time to ‘like’ and share.
Annnnnnnnd fuck, shit, bitch, damn …. because there was an apparent deficit of profanity here.
Holding my baby girl that night: