I Heart My Little A-ha Moment

You know that feeling when your heart drops to your stomach and your throat closes a little? It ‘s like a gut punch that knocks the wind out of you. I’ve had that for 24 hours.

I kept thinking about an online conversation I had. Yea , I know it’s social media, not “real life” and shouldn’t be taken personally. If someone is on my friends list though, it’s because I consider them a friend in one way or another. It’s personal.

This conversation has been playing on a continuous loop in my mind. A mom friend posted about mom bloggers referring to their kids as A-holes and how she disagreed with it. Being a mommy blogger (even if just a teeny tiny one with less than 200 followers) I felt misunderstood. I had literally just posted about my kids being a-holes when I was on the phone that day. Thus the explanation and defending began. My thoughts were:

I’m not actually calling them a-holes to their face.
Lighten up.
It’s said in jest between adults.
What mom doesn’t get frustrated?
My family is from Brooklyn, we smile when we call each other A-holes.

The exchange went on and although it wasn’t a big brawl or anything, feelings were hurt. Fast forward to 3am the next day. I had tossed and turned for hours. Why was this still haunting me?

Then baby wakes with a fever and as I held 19 little pounds of fiery beauty in my arms, it hit me.

I’ve always listened openly to a seasoned mothers input. I don’t think I did that this time. Maybe I got too defensive without really thinking. Looking at those round , red cheeks and rubbing my baby girl’s soft little back,  I became overwhelmed with guilt and was in awe  that God trusted and blessed me with this little life.

I don’t think she’s an a-hole. Even now at 3am when she’s screaming … or ever. So why even jokingly say it? Maybe I’ve been the assjole (told ya it would come back) or been immature and irresponsible with my words. Maybe I don’t have to follow the trend that it has become acceptable to say. Sure, it makes people laugh when they read about someone else’s a-hole kids. But at what cost?

I’d like to think I’m a fair enough writer to accomplish that relatability without having to refer to these little people who grew in my body,  as anything negative. Don’t worry, I’m not going soft.  Trust me, I’m not selling out and turning all Stepford Wife.  But maybe it’s possible to still be me, to be real but to focus on the behavior which is frustrating, not the character of my kid. I guess I never thought about it long and hard.

I’m never gonna be a straight laced, curse-word-free blogger/mom/person. But when I see newer mothers doing things,  I do think to myself, “I wish they could learn from my mistakes.” Now after processing, I applied that to myself.

I’m just getting started in this blog world and my primary goal is to be real, stay true to who I am. One of my favorite bloggers notoriously refers to her kids as A-holes. She’s funny as shit and when you see video of her kids they’re well mannered and respectful. It’s obvious she’s not running around her house literally calling them A-holes. I’m not saying I’m better, just saying that’s her voice she has found. I’m going to find my own.

This may be my most vulnerable post thus far.  Releasing your feelings into the world to be judged and scrutinized is tough sometimes, so if there is any part of this that you like take the time to ‘like’ and share.

Annnnnnnnd fuck, shit, bitch, damn …. because there was an apparent deficit of profanity here.

Holding my baby girl that night:Displaying photo.JPG

 

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10 thoughts on “I Heart My Little A-ha Moment

  1. This may come as a shock but some of the things I say may be offensive. Especially if you are black, white, Hispanic, Muslim, democrat, male, femal, Native American, Asian, tall, fat, bald, young, old, or are a Michael Jackson fan. I don’t want to agree with anyone all the time because it is by controversy that I solidify my own beliefs and understand my own perspective better. I am an asshole sometime. So are my kids. Write your thoughts and do not let political pressures or opposing views deter you from being the most real you that you can achieve. You promised to be real in your blog and I think the people who know you would be disappointed if you censured yourself or toned down in anyway. I personally find the courage to be 100% open to be a character trait missing in a world where people try so hard to uphold an image that is not real and can criticize others in a manner only designed to rate themselves above you. I am an outstanding parent. I need no ones approval. But my darling little angels sometimes spew venom from their precious little faces. Sometimes I am an asshole. It’s no surprise that my kids are too. Stay genuine. Write for you and do not let anyone influence your posts. There are plenty of folks who understand where you are coming from. You may need a bigger bus.

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    • Jason,
      You know, this post is me being 100% open. It was harder to publish than any other I’ve written. It all came from my uncensored heart. Not something I open and put on display easily. It was almost like a cathartic release and I feel more genuine now that ever before (in a blogging sense). I’m not changing who I am, how I write, or how I generally say whatever the F comes to my mind. I know I am going to piss some people off as I continue with this little hobby. This was truly about me though, not pleasing anyone else.

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  2. I LOVE this Jen. I think you wouldn’t have been able to write this if you didn’t truly feel it. Knowing you just a short time, I know you are not the type of person to be influenced easily. Please continue being yourself in your blog…It’s hilarious! P.S. Jason sounds like he’s a funny guy! : )

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  3. I love the fact that you are honest. In my family the females call each other cow and bitch as a term of endearment! I adore my four geniuses, but I have my evil mum moments. This is more than counteracted by their regular attempts to drive me completely mad!! Glad you added the profanity, I was starting to worry for you!!! 😀

    Like

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