A few obserations about Frozen

frozen

1. After giving such stellar parenting advice about suppressing emotions, does anyone know why the hell the parents left their kids?

I mean WTF is up with Disney hating parents? They always die or don’t even exist. Bambie’s mom? Shot. Dumbo’s mom? Locked up. Ariel? Does she even have a mom? What about Snow White? Well, I looked it up and her mom “died shortly after her birth”. Also she was 12 years old and roaming around the woods talking to animals and shacking up with 7 dudes.

2. What’s in that high altitude mountain air? It’s like the 2×4 was magically removed from Elsa’s ass and she went all a sex kitten, va-va-voom when she built her ice palace. Whatever it is she’s breathing in,  I wanna bottle that shit and sell it.

3. Thank you Disney for showing our girls that men can be scum who should not be trusted so quickly. Seriously, I know plenty of adult women who could learn from this and stop crying every time they find out their Prince Charming is a mooching ass loser.  Your man will be a bit of fixer-upper …  and let’s be honest, so are you. I’m down with realistic expectations and glad Disney caught on. The cherry on top of the ‘this-is-real-life sundae’ is Anna decking the douche nugget in the face. The double standard of domestic violence is fine by me.

4. Did Olaf really not have a nose before Anna impaled him with a carrot? I don’t recall a nose-less a snowman.

5. ” I don’t have a skull … Or bones.”   Yea, that’s not really an observation but it cracks me the hell up every time.

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My UnFavorite Things

Shit blowout diapers and kids who won’t listen.
Stepping on Legos and my keys are missing.
More classroom parties means food I must bring.
These are a few of my unfavorite things.

Green snotty noses And sitting in car lanes.
“Mom she just hit me,” and “he’s calling me names.”
4 am fevers, the puking begins.
These are a few of my unfavorite things.

When the kids fight, when the dog barks ,
When they’re being bad,
It makes me remember these unfavorite things and then I get raging mad.

[The Re-make of] Getting Your Kids Involved In Your Yoga Practice

Once in a blue moon, the universe aligns just right and amazing writing material is just dropped in my lap.  As I’m in a fetal position on the floor gasping for air and wishing for death after Level 2 of the 30 Day Shred, I start browsing Facebook on my phone.  Hmmm, what’s this my dear friend has tagged me in? Oh hell!!! Pictures of  a gorgeous  Mom and her 4 year old Yogi daughter wearing matching outfits and striking incredible yoga poses together. Let me go ahead and put this disclaimer out there: I am not hatin’ on this mama. She is a 36-year-old mother of 2,  who works full time and has a rockin body.  I would not dis a sista for looking amazing or having success.  Now, on with the show!

Awwww, how sweet is this!

Are these outfits custom made? I’m not sure I could convince my 4-year-old boy to put these pants on even if I offered a trip to Chuckee Cheese in an M&M filled helicopter flown by Iron Man himself.

Buuuuuuuuuut, you’ll be surprised what he will do for a couple of Thin Mints at 10:30  in the morning.

pickerimage(1)Is this what Mommy & Me time is supposed to be like? I’ve been doing it all wrong for years!

pickerimage(3)I mean seriously, can you even tell which one is the original post and which is the replica? They’re nearly identical!

pickerimage(2)Now remember, she is doing this with a little girl. I have a little boy, so insert fart noises here.

pickerimage

He really let me down on this one. Come on kid, this is where you were supposed to do all the work!

And that’s where we had to stop. I’m fairly certain I slipped a disc while giving my son a concussion. Don’t try this at home. Screw that! DO try this at home, just make sure you send me the pictures.  I’ll just be over here dousing myself with Icy Hot before my chiro appointment.

*Here’s the link to this mom’s website and original post:  http://www.twofitmoms.com/2014/03/13/getting-your-kids-involved-in-your-yoga-practice/

 

Working Out With Little Kids At Home – 7 Confessions

You know what’s fun? Working out. Oh man, I can’t even type that with a straight face.

You know what makes it even more fun? And by fun, I mean totally sucking huge elephant ass … Doing it as a family.

You know the pics your beautifully fit and healthy friends post of their little yogi demonstrating a perfect warrior pose? That’s not what it looks like in my house. There are no matching  Lulu Lemon outfits.  This, my friends is what a workout looks like in my house:

Working Out

1. I’m doing it in the pajama pants and t-shirt I wore to bed last night.

2. Hopefully I remembered to go put a bra on this time. If not, I’ll remember by the first set of jumping jacks.

3. I am using ankle weights as dumb bells. If my kid joins in, he gets canned goods for weights.

4. There’s a nagging 4-year old standing right in my punch zone,  begging me to give him more chocolate milk and a different cereal while yelling for me to wipe his ass and open the play dough.

5. More than once, I will do some modified version of high-knees while traveling through the house  to accommodate the aforementioned requests.

6. A child will test my strength in the ultimate way – laying under me while I do planks. Seriously kid? You got a death wish?

7. The baby will wake with 7 minutes left of my DVD. Depending on the day I am either thankful or extremely annoyed. Either way, I don’t get a shower now.

And for the record, Jillian Michael’s should go to jail for attempted murder.  Luckily my kids didn’t dial 911 when Mommy was face down on the floor gasping for air.

If you enjoyed this post, like the Facebook post and share it!   The more you share, the more motivated I am to keep this shit coming.  Go ahead and like my FB page while you’re at it —>

5 Things People Do That Piss Parents Off

1. Take up the family restroom.
Yes I will stand right outside of it and loudly tell my baby “Awww honey, Mommy knows your ass is on fire and I’m sorry you’re sitting in that poppy diaper so long- but someone else is in the big bathroom so we have to wait.

2. Talk to me through my child.
Don’t turn on the cutsie-wootsie baby voice and tell my baby, “You poor wittle thing, you need to tell your mommy your feet are cold”. Back the F up!! I’ve put these damn things on her feet 17 times and instead of adding another shoe to the single collection, I threw them in the stroller basket. Not that it’s any of your business.

3. Ask me (loudly) if my kid can have candy as you start handing it to him. First of all, I’m sorta teaching this thing about taking candy from strangers- even at the bank. Also, I’m the one who will be peeling that half-chewed lollipop off the seat of my car and peeling my kid off the ceiling thanks to the sugar rush.

4. Huff and puff and act generally annoyed when YOU’RE the one in a kid friendly area.
If you don’t like your chair getting bumped when my kid is opening and closing the door to the play area at Chick Fil A – PICK A DIFFERENT SEAT.

5. Cruise through a stop sign in the grocery store parking lot.
Seriously!!? How exactly do you not see this full shopping cart practically pulling me down the ramp while I’m wearing a baby on my chest and holding the hand of my 4 year old who is jumping, falling and stopping because he dropped his special piece of paper (aka a receipt from Wendy’s drive through)? Trust me, when our 2 worlds collide you will be the one leaving with more damage.

If you like this post, like and share on Facebook. It’s my motivation to keep the shit comin’.