Every time I think I’m gonna step up my game and not totally suck, I’m reminded why that’s not the path I’m destined to travel. Nope. My path is paved with processed chicken nuggets, tardy slips and kids peeing into a water bottle in the drive-thru. Every now and then though, I make a full on attempt to do something normal families do. You know, the normal families whose photos are in picture frames when you buy them.
A morning bike ride to the park sounds like something awesome moms do. Let’s try that.
Almost to the stop sign at the end of our street and we hit obstacle numero uno. A leaf! Oh good Lord, it starts. Apparently my son’s bike is not equipped to handle such extreme road debris. I kick his back tire and get him moving again. Every damn time there’s a crack in the sidewalk the kid becomes paralyzed. Oh and let’s not mention those spiky, brown ball things that fall off the trees because those are bombs and they blow up his tires. Then he needs a drink to “regain his energy”. Are you kidding me? At 10pm on a weeknight he has enough effin’ energy to power Times Square, but now pedaling a bike for 3 minutes requires a pit-stop? By the time the park is in sight I’ve got a squirming baby on my hip while I’m pushing the stroller and kicking my kid’s bike every few feet. I can hear the screaming brats at the park – we’re so close! Then … he stops. He gets off his bike and tells me he can’t do it anymore. Oh. Hell. No. What do you say when your kid uses the word “can’t”? It goes a little something like this….. “You get your happy ass back on that bike and push those damn pedals to that park before this baby starts losing her shit!! ” Yea, go ahead and get my awesomest, bestest ever in the world, rock star mom trophy ready now please.