Butt Wiping and Kitchen Tongs in the Toilet

So when exactly does one (and by ‘one’ I mean specifically my 4 year old) start wiping his own ass?

I know, I know, all of those moms who perfectly and consistently put your kid on the naughty spot (naughty spot? creepy much?) and send their kids to school with  adorable little Bento Box lunches showcasing food that has olives for eyes and smiley faces cut out of cheese in their gingham monogrammed lunch boxes,  you know the mom’s who have it all figured out? Yeah, those moms. They will tell me that my little guy will start wiping his own ass only  when I start expecting him to.
Well, number 1 I am not cutting cheese into smiley faces. In fact I threw an Uncrustable in a lunch box this morning and left the same Cheez-its in there from the day before. Number 2, I expect him to become an extremely successful and well paid athlete one day and buy his mom a yacht. Let’s see how that works out.

Back to my point, let me clarify what I really mean when I say “wipe his own ass”.
1. Get all the poop IN the toilet, not slide your little tush on the seat skid-marking it up.
2. Dispense an acceptable amount of toilet paper. No, that  1 single square will not do the trick and  will lead to Defcon level 3 of hand washing and nail scrubbing. Alternately, a 12 pound wad of TP will cost me another $100 plumbing visit for them to use that long skinny metal thingy-ma-bobber to stop the toilet from bubbling over onto the floor. By the way, do they ever sanitize that tool? Does it just keep going from house to house pushing it’s way through urine and feces soaked wads of Charmin? And dude is holding it with his bare hands. Wait, did he shake my hand?? Bleghhh!

3. Completely clean your entire booty hole. Now some days, the kid can let out a mound of crap that seems humanly impossible for his scrawny little body to have housed and turn around with a squeaky clean result. It’s like nothing ever happened. My husband is amazed by this phenomenon and almost brags about his son’s amazing ‘clean pooping’ trick.  Other times he squirts out a little fudge drop and I swear we are wiping for 10 minutes before I decide it’s time to bust out the shower head.
4. Flush the toilet (do not drop Iron man in– again. I just bleached the kitchen tongs).
5. Pull up your Batman undies – ensuring your junk is 100% INSIDE them.
6. Manage to have pants pants after dropping said deuce.
7. Wash your hands (with water AND soap).
8. Shut OFF the water.
9. Dry your hands.
10. Turn off the bathroom light.
So I ask again, when should I expect him to start wiping his own ass? Since hubby can rarely manage 7 out of the 10 steps, and Little Guy is quite possibly his true clone, I fear I’m doomed to a lifetime of  hearing “Mommy?!? Come wipe my butt!!” and “Honey??! I need more toilet paper!!” as I am getting dinner ready…with the tongs.



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